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On choosing.
crashfennec
I am gonna start this off with I know I have made some mistakes and I know that I can be a better person ...this goes to mention that I am NOT a bad person ...but somethings I have been doing have been brought to my attention. I know that I have been ka douche recently and I am sorry for that and I am at least smart enough to know this.

I have been treating some old friends like crap and they have made me well aware of it. For that I am shame full and very sorry for. I didn't think I would ever hurt friends this way in any manor. I always view my friends as the closest thing to me, next to family. I would never want to hurt them and saying that I know what I did and I am paying the penalty for it.

I want to appoligize to all my firends that I have effected this past few weeks and I am bearing my heart into this that I am so sorry to act this way upon you all. I know when I am at fault and although I sometimes deny it to look right. I konw deep down that I am at fault for things that come up in arguments.

I have a big choice to make. This has to do with my mate and I.
Fix what I messed up or move on.

I know I have been very paranoid in the past with him and other people. I have made an effort this summer to get over that and I am proud to say that I am over it fully. He has noticed this dramatic improvement too. I care for him that much that I can fix my own major problems and prove to him that I can do this for him.

Now why is this time, this second major choice so hard? 
I think I have caused way too much damage for one to fix what has been damaged. I get angry a lot when I argue with him but who can blame me. Everyone gets mad. I just notice too thatI lash out at him for no reason and it's not like a severe yelling it's more of me being a smart ass or just saying dick things. This isn't who I was and who I want to be. I don't konw hwat has changed me. I just know that I want it fixed. I am willing to try and fix things. I know that I act different around newer friends..I get excited when I meet new people and I see that it doesn't come off positively. I know I have some bugs to fix in me and I am making an effort too..this is just going to mtkae more time than I think I need and I don't know how long until an answer but I need to fix this for him and mostly for me.

Also what is making this harder is how can someone say "I don't feel as much love from you as I used to" and not expect an upset feeling in ones stomach. It seems "I love you" isn't enough anymore. I have meant everything I said to him and I mean what I say and it comes out full heartedly. Don't think of him as being selfish or what not...I know what he means and it's from some of the issues listed above. I just wasn't expecting that kind of answer and I wasn't sure how to react. I wason the verge of tears when he told me taht and I had to leave right away.

I don't know there is something else too...something that shocked me more than anything before. That when I read the email he sent me ...I didn't freak out at all, not in the slightest. I guess I knew this was coming? I just decided if it's not gonna work then it's not gonna work...this was at the time of reading the email. I decided to put things in front of me, sit back and put things into retrospect. I have been looking at all the times and things we have gone through and how we stuck them out together. About a year is a good enough time to know someone especially if you have lived with them through most of it.

I conclusion I am sad to say that I just may have or am about to loose the one person that has cared for me as much as my mom does.
If I do decide to end it I will be happy that I at least got to share my  time with him and that it wasn't a waste of time in my eyes. I was able to grow as an individual and as a whole.

For the time being I need to detach myself from things (for example: at the moment I don't consider us on "mate" terms. I am just a friend as of now.) I don't see this as something utterly negative but more of a better way of looking back and really thinking. Without having that intense of an emotional attachment. In turn I hope this doesn't damage anything further in me being technically "single" and feeling how it is to be that way once again. That is not how I see it. We are on hietus. We are just friends and will be good friends through what we know about eachother. Until I feel like I truly deserve your love again. You don't deserve the shit I put you through and this is the best way for me to decide.

Until I can fully understand things this is how it will stand for now. I hope all of you can understand this and give me any advice you can.
Mostly I hope my mate can understand. I konw what I have done wrong and I am doing right by working things to be right.
Distance isn't always a bad things it gives us time to truly reflect on a situation.

Love you all,
Marc/Crashfennec.

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I wish me saying that last night wouldn't have hit you so hard..I hate seeing or knowing that you cried :(

If anything, I take pride on my patience these days, take the time you need and don't feel like i'm going to up and leave you

~your woofynuki

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